He wrestled with God (Genesis 32:24-32).
He put up a fight.
He was stubborn.
He was determined.
He was affected.
He was changed.
He was blessed in the process of the wrestle.
He was never the same.
When the time came to officially begin this journey, of adoption, I was more than ready to jump up on the tightrope and try to run down it; controlling what I could and racing to the other side.
Not our story.
Another lesson, big one, that I am not in control; but I AM is. Always is.
We are approaching one year and one month of “officially waiting”.
No expectant mothers in sight; in our sight.
We carry on, balancing; walking on the slack line; taking steps into unknown and counting the blessings. Thanking Him for being with us, within us, on this journey.
“If God will be with me and will keep me on this journey that I take, and will give me food to eat and garments to wear, and I return to my father’s house in safety (peace), then the LORD will be my God. And this stone, which I have set up as a pillar, will be God’s house; and of all that Thou dost give me I will surely give a tenth to Thee.” -words from Jacob (Genesis 28:20-22).
Lately, recently, God and I have been wrestling.
I hesitate to talk about it yet, because I am in the midst of the wrestle.
It is not over yet.
I am fighting.
I know, foolish to fight Him, yet necessary in order to truly receive the blessing.
Yes, I know God freely gives.
But, in this situation there is a fight needed; fight for freedom.
A Fight in order to really give up the control that I say I have given already.
HE (Jesus) has gone before me on this road. Why do I forget that? Me, child; needing to hold His hand; He knows the way. He knows what it will take. He has what it will take. But I am bravely foolish at times. I let Him help but not all the way; often. He who doesn’t let go. Who doesn’t relent until the surrender is real. All because He loves.
I remember, almost 7 years, when I was on a mission trip in Costa Rica and the missionary there said something like, “The true heart of a missionary is to say, ‘God I will go wherever you send me.’ Not, ‘I will go, IF it is here or as long as it is NOT there.” At the time it was convicting (and still is; afresh).
“I will go, IF it is here or there but NOT if it is there.”
Fast forward from 2005 to 2011.
“Yes God we will adopt! You have made it clear, we will gladly obey. We know it will be challenging, but You are with us and are leading us in this way. Thank you.”
Then, here, one year and almost one month later from when we began, officially. He is stirring within. Storming up hidden control, expectations, grief…long locked, and asking the question.
“Did you say yes, BUT? Or just ‘yes’?
“Yes, we will adopt if this, this, and this are our scenario.”
“Yes we will minister if you send us here BUT not there. If it is like this BUT not like this.”
Will I say, YES (period)? Just a yes, not a yes, but.
Will I trust the ONE who goes before, and with, and is the rear guard too?
Isaiah 58:8 “Then your light will break out like the dawn, and your recovery will speedily spring forth; and your righteousness will go before you; the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.”
I want to.
But first, I wrestle.
Wrestle for the control that I don’t really have.
I gave it up years ago; line drawn in sand.
Now, I must choose again.
Choose to give the control buried underneath.
She and I talk in pool.
She who has colors of world orbiting ’round her table.
She who has birthed in body and heart, 3 babies from womb, 2 from countries far, one more coming far to near; 6. Colors of world, colors of His heart; beautifully challenging…making blind see Him.
She understands the wrestle. She who has wrestled.
She, a picture and reminder with words and action to surrender further.
Of fears, and grief and “He seems to be asking me to do this hard thing I was avoiding. That wasn’t my plan, but may be His after all.”
I feel somewhat ashamed that I wasn’t really open to this.
To say Yes.
Hubby listens. He example, loud example, of saying yes even when it’s hard. He more willing to accept whatever comes from His hand; graciously.
I’m afraid to say it, can you see that I’m stalling?
I don’t want to hurt with my words.
I don’t want to presume what He is doing.
I don’t want to be judged for weakness, or pride, or fear.
I don’t want to be misunderstood.
So I will let her say it.
Me who is still wrestling, will watch and let her speak 1,000 words (see link below).
Part of me is relieved this fight is going to be over soon; won.
There is so much freedom in the absolute surrender.
So much joy is saying, “Yes.”
In wrestling finished and dawn, breaking out with light.
We keep waiting, but now, more openly.
He knows the best gifts to give.
Give we need and really, deep down, want somehow.
“Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He will do it. And He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your judgment as the noonday.” -Psalm 37:3-6
Grace to this fragile sinner I am.