But doing nothing is not right either.
Clink, clink.
Two white pony beads drop deliberately into the plastic punch cup.
I size up the colorful beads that are in my neighbor’s cup.
We sit at the same table while the presenter asks us more questions, “What bead best represents the race of your doctor?”
Clink goes another white bead. I look longingly at the pile of hardly-touched beads…rich chocolate brown beads, luscious black beads and calming tan beads. There are also vibrant red beads and cheery yellow beads.
Then she says, “Look at your cup. What do you see?”
I start to despise my cup. I have a few tan, yellow and black beads in there but mostly just white, white, white. I don’t like how my cup looks or what it suggests.
The majority of your church? White.
Your closest friends? Mostly white, except one.
Your dentist? White.
I want a colorful cup. But I don’t know how to get one, exactly.
“Now, look at your cup again. What will your adopted child see? You may say you value their heritage, but do they see that lived out tangibly?”
After this session of transracial adoption training I made a point to choose a black doctor for our son, and for our other children as well. It was a simple, yet genuine, attempt to put feet to what I learned at this training.
I have been known to go overboard when I meet another black person…cornering them, asking them to “spill it” on how to best raise my son. I long for their approval, or at least their best hair and skin advice. Just ask Lisha, or Charity or Carl or a stranger I met at a wedding.
When people stare at our family, I wonder…are they just curious, confused or criticizing?
I have a daughter and three sons. The youngest son is black.
Much to my dismay, this fact alone does not make me an expert on #GoingThere.
I fear I am doing it “wrong”.
I worry that I am not doing enough.
I feel sick when I watch 42 or The Washingtons Go To Birmingham and I’m not sure I can watch 12 Years A Slave. It’s not because I want to turn a blind eye on how black people were treated, it’s because I am ashamed that they were treated like that, and I’m so afraid I would have been one of those treating them that way.
How will I tell my son about the sickness people still have?
Prejudice.
Racism.
Profiling.
When my son is making his way in the world, and our faces and embraces are not there with him, will he be equipped to face misunderstandings, doors locking and sideways looks…or worse?
Why?
Why is this so?
Why the craziness?
We have a long way to go. Me. You. This world. But a lively discussion is a start.
When the conversation makes me uncomfortable, I want to run. But I can’t, not if I want to grow and see change.
One step forward. Keep going and don’t stop. When we stop talking, stop listening, and stop learning then we lose ground.
Placing check-marks by our conscience’s “feel-better” list or diversifying our beads isn’t the lasting fix.
We have come far, but we have so much further to go.
I want to do right by my son. I want the black community to give me their approval. Sometimes I feel insecure and inadequate, but I know that our family was God’s doing, so I walk forward.
As Hubby wisely reminds me….we learn, we receive training, we do our best. We network with our friends, we try to provide godly mentors for our son, we educate ourselves. But, ultimately, we keep following Jesus and He will guide us in the ways that are best for each member of our family.
I am #GoingThere because it is the right thing to do and because I want to do right by my son and do right by The Son.
How about you? Will you go there too?
Proverbs 3:5-8
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom.
Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
Then you will have healing for your body
and strength for your bones.”
Thank you for sharing this with me Kate. This race thing is something else. And it’s not easy to put our feelings out there withouth fear of pushback. Your words today are part of the grand scope of healing I know He’s doing. I’m watching it happen online and I’m encouraged by people like you, who step outside their comfort level to enter the conversation. Your god designed family is a blessing and YOU are the right mama for your boy. I love the transparency of this post and your mother heart shines through . And yes! You did the #goingthere thing….beautifully.
Thank you Lisha. Thank you for encouraging this mama’s heart.:)
I love your heart, Katie. Us mammas are hardest on ourselves, even when we’re doing all we can think of to make things right. I’m praying for you!
Marcy- Thank you.:) Oh yes how hard we are on ourselves. Thank you for your prayers, what a gift.
Thanks for #goingthere. I know it must not have been easy. But we all need to stop being so comfortable and ‘go there.’
Thanks for being brave.
Thank you Alecia- Doing hard things even when we are scared and uncertain is the new brave, right? So says Lisa-Jo.:)
Thank you, Katie, for opening this conversation and sharing your heart. Your son is adorable. Praying God’s blessings on your whole family. May God give all of us wisdom and love for each other, no matter what differences we see.
Sabra- Thank you for your kind words and loving spirit. 🙂
Thank you for going there, so vulnerably!
When we first began our adoption journey, we wrestled through so many similar questions. On our application checklist, we checked all but severe behavioral problems (and ended up with it anyway…), but we did have concerns about whether we could provide an environment that would reflect back to a child/children what they also see in a mirror. Living where we do…in rural Michigan, Amish Country…we wondered about much of the same. While we grew up in much more diverse areas of the world and had friends of many different backgrounds, we realized that seems to no longer be the case with where we are geographically now. It felt very scary to me!
I’ve realized there are many other cultural issues we can run into when we adopt, even when the child seems to look like you. Many comment on how our daughter looks like us in different ways. I think that may have felt harder on her, because of an expectation that she should BE like us. Adopting an older child, who has been trained to see the world a certain way, to see herself a certain way…that is hard to understand and to tackle. I think she oft felt like a foreigner in a strange land and we weren’t always sensitive to class, religious, and family issues. She raced back to what she knew first chance she had – despite how difficult her life is.
So I admire you for trying to be so aware, and to be so intentional and so open. He will feel at least validated, I hope, when he expresses his own fear or anger or pain.
Love you.
Thank you Kelley. I hear the weight of your words and appreciate you taking the time and bravery to share them.
Katie, I hated my cup, too. Choosing an Asian dentist and becoming regulars at a Chinese restaurant seem like a ridiculous attempt at changing it, but it’s a start. Praying that all our kids find their identity first in Christ.
:), Such a joy to be on this journey with you friend. What a blessing, like you said, to see our miracles playing together. What a mighty God we serve. Praying for the “what next”.:) Yes, identities in Christ, that is the main thing I must remember for me, for them.
This is simply beautiful Katie. And challenging. My cup would not be nearly as colorful as I would like it to be, either. This all really makes me think, as has all of the talk of #goingthere. I’m not sure how to respond to it all, but I’m listening. Thank you for your sincerity and your precious heart. Your children…ALL of them…are blessed with you and your husband as their parents. In the end, it’s all about pointing them to their Savior. You are doing that. Daily. xoxo
Thank you Meredith, and for this reminder too, “In the end, it’s all about pointing them to their Savior.”
Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart. I also struggle with wanting the approval from people of all races and backgrounds. The Lord is constantly humbling me and showing me time and again that we are all His creation. His unique and purpose-filled creation. The Lord has burdened my heart for foreigners, especially Arabs, and making them feel welcome and like they have a home and a family. I often stumble awkwardly with my approach and then trying to carry a conversation. Opportunities keep popping up and doors keeping opening and I find I can rest on God’s grace. I know there are times I have no clue what I am saying and I am sure I have been insensitive with out realizing it. I just so badly want everyone to feel welcome and not alone in this world. Ultimately, I am so thankful God covers all my insecurities and weaknesses and ill attempts to understand other cultures and ethnicities. Thank you for your encouragement to keep moving forward and “Go There”. Thanks, Sis.
Thank you Martha- your heart-comments challenges me to open my heart wider.:)
We are also a transracial adoptive family! Also, we have plopped our family of six into a brand new city It’s a wonderful journey, though!
So nice to “meet” you Darcy. I see you homeschool too.:) A wonderful, wild journey indeed!